I hope you can get some work done despite your husbands interference while you are gone. Unless OP has a history of partying hard and getting black-out drunk (which doesnt seem to be the case), I think theres little to worry about here. It does sound like some type of anxiety as these worries are extreme. Is he OK generally and just bad about work trips? Once when I ended things with a guy Id been dating, he called me a few days later and said hed taken a poll of his friends and they all agreed I didnt have real cause to break up with him so we should resume things. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). This is more his problem than yours. You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. And in really any city, conference facilities are going to be near entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference, because thats the nature of the city. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. It is. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. I had to go to Vegas once a year for a few days at my last job and I hated it. This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. Ive needed counseling in the past to deal with some trauma that led me down that path, so I wholeheartedly agree with Alison that you both face this problem head on. I think (I hope!) after that. I do have anxiety and PTSD from my days in the army. And (2) hes not paranoid, controlling or insecure. There is an incredible amount of stuff to do and fun to be had in Vegas without doing a single sinful thing, even if you WERE there for just a vacation and not a work trip. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. I have no problem with him going to week-long management training or long weekends away for bachelor parties. (Be prepared to be as fair-minded when it is your . I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. Therapy is really personal, and a bad fit or burnt-out therapist can be worse than no therapist at all. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. This is part of your JOB. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. Most of them. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. He does worry about my safety. Maybe you call once a day in the evening to say hi, but otherwise tell him youre not going to be responding to messages, because youre busy with work. Flying might be easier. Jeez, we all married the same guy. I have no idea. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. They can also get into trouble in their own hometown. I say this because I have a hard time believing that someone who had actually been to Vegas would hold these opinions about it honestly its not my favorite place because I find it too crazy and overstimulating, but I have never felt I was in any kind of danger. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? Yeah, like MakeThings Im picturing a lot of Mmmmm. She should go and she should make therapy a minimal condition of continuing the marriage. My mom believes that her quiet suburban neighborhood and my own are overrun by prowling sex offenders when the sun goes down. Create an account or log in to participate. Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! For the more immediate concerns, maybe you could also suggest scheduling a phone call every night or something to help put his mind at ease, and that yall meet with a counselor to help work through his concerns. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because its a popular corporate destination, not because theyre plotting to destroy employees marriages.). Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. There were plenty of women there without their husbands. . husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. I do know some people (who have never been to Vegas!) I go there once or twice a year for my relaxing vacation. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. Counseling is a great start. My ex boyfriend is telling lies about me to my family, especially to my When does his flight land? They live there with partners and children, even! And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. Without any business context then yeah, lots of people would object to that. Yes. My husband was recently sent to Vegas for a week on two days notice and my response was pretty much the same. I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. He can see how boring Vegas really is. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. Nah, its not legal in Reno either their county did not legalize it. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. rarely cede ground. And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! He mad at my company and questions the motives. My husband has been for business conferences. He couldnt leave her in a peace for five minutes on her last business trip, and is questioning the companys motives, all while she is the primary breadwinner? The same counselors that would demand that the woman submit would also tell the husband to man up and provide for his wife. And thats Congo. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. Who knows what they actually said, if he asked at all. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. I was thinking as I read the description, this sounds like its coming from someone who has never been on a business trip before (and re: the kidnapping, someone whos watched too many movies). Im anxious and so is my Mother, so Ive been on both sides of this, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP, and for your spouse too. Just live in an exurb of a big city rather than a small town), they find this baffling. My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. This is a great comment. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. Good luck and enjoy the trip. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. I HATED IT! Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. Either hes got anxiety driving him to act out this way, which can be addressed with talk therapy to learn new coping mechanisms (also, medication is an excellent tool that could help) or, he feels threatened by your success in business and is seeking to sabotage you to keep you in your place. Long-term meds may not be right, and often take time to work out, but theres several near-instant calming agents available and they could be the best place to start if the Vegas trip is coming up soon. I had no problem with it. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. Dont get hit by a stray printer that someone threw out a window in a rage while you have a cuppa with a buddy outside! In my experience, OP, the best thing you can do to convince him counseling is the answer is to focus on YOU when youre talking to him. And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. Yeah, this. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. In that couples case, I believe the wife was worried about being left alone at home, so the husband invited the wife to come with him on his trip, and at first she was planning to join him, but then her anxiety subsided and she decided to stay home and get together with friends in the hometown instead. My grandmother pays for the trip. Vegas is changing a lot of its marketing these days to bill itself more as a family destination and/or more sophisticated and all that. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? Its been 12 years for me. OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. Theyre out there. Make sure that appointment is booked. What happens in Vegas was a successful ad campaign that ran its course a long time ago, not a requirement for how to treat the trip. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. This advice is enabling his negative behaviors. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. Las Vegas hotels have cameras everywhere. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. Yes, this. And it ignores other possible explanations. Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Exactly this. Could be true. Ive felt less safe in a couple of places in my own city. Overnight somewhere then do the same thing the next day. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. It is not normal or rational. Its a very highly policed city. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. You have a good day and thank you. The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. Inviting him to go might be a stop-gap measure to cover this trip. I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. Same here. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. We can take care of ourselves. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. The kidnapping/roofie argument is the same nonsense my parents used to justify not letting my sister and me go to slumber parties but my brothers could go on trips to Europe. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. All rights reserved. Husband needs to chill, big time. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. The conference hall manager looked at my colleaguewho requested a kosher meallike they were crazy. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. I bet youll have a blast. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Irrational fears are just a normal part of life, especially in these days of social media and around-the-clock news coverage, but when they either start holding you back from doing things you want/need to do or start negatively affecting the people in your life, thats a sign youve stepped over the line of normal and should seek help finding that line again. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. I meet family from California. You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) I have anxiety disorder and I do worry excessively (one time to the point of a panic attack) when my husband travels for work, but thats on me to manage. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. who believe the TV/movie depictions of the city and sort of forget that there are people who live there and work there, going about their everyday lives. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. Do NOT potentially sabotage your career over this, especially if you are the main breadwinner. I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. The whole phrase what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas bothers him. You can make decisions for yourself! Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). Jealous? Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? Well, yeah, it has a bad rep, that they intentionally, though jokingly, promote with the What happens in Vegas and Sin City marketing campaigns. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. Like Winter says . You don't have to fake excitement about every little . There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent.